Candle's Kayfabe Corner

Hello, soon to be loyal readers and welcome to my little blog nook (…shit…I probably drove away readers with a pretentious word like “nook.” Might as well buy a beret and go to Starbucks. Wrestling fans don‘t say nook!) Okay, enough self-conscious inner monologue thought bubbles, let’s get down to the topic at hand. Hi, I’m Candle. Don’t ask why I go by such a weird little (pretentious) name like Candle. It’s mostly for fear of you, the loyal reader, hacking everything I own and stealing my identity, but I digress. From hereon out, I’m going to be giving you my thoughts on everything mainstream in wrestling. If you’re looking for ROH, NJPW, FIP, IWA, or any other sort of Japanese or indy smart mark talk, you’ve come to the wrong place. I have nothing against those promotions, I just have a hard time following them. I’ll be mostly covering TNA and WWE, and maybe covering free agent and a little independent news, but don’t expect much of it.

Anyway, enough with the formalities, let’s get down to the nitty-gritty. Let’s talk wrestling, and what a good time to start a column on the two biggest promotions in the US. We’re on the heels of both No Mercy and Bound for Glory, two Pay-Per-Views that look like they’re going to deliver something special. Since BFG is far off, and the card is still a week away from completion, let’s dive right into No Mercy with what I like to call my thoughts, balks, and predictions. What happens here is I run down the card and give my…yeah…keep reading…

Rey Mysterio vs. Kane: Match For The Mask
Thoughts: This feud seemed to have come out of nowhere, but I’ve liked how dominant it’s made Kane look, and how credible it’s made Rey look. Rey plays the underdog way too often, and while he’s been dominated by Kane (and his wicked crazy choke slam post marked “Return To Sender: From- Hell”) it hasn’t been complete domination, and they’re playing up the power of Rey’s heart and will. Will this be a triumph of the will for Rey? (oooh, bad phrasing, might lose some demographic for that one) Or his ultimate WCW undoing all over again?

Balks: This feud really hasn’t had much time to simmer, and as noted before, came out of nowhere. We keep hearing about this ambush on Rey by Kane. Just in case you forgot about that, I’m going to ask the web master to insert the video here…

….

What’s that? Oh, there is no footage? Uhhh…this is awkward.
While I have no problem with kayfabe, the WWE could have at least staged some vignette of Rey getting jumped by Kane a few months ago that wasn’t released to the public initially because of the brutality, or some other BS reasoning. Anyway, I just find it kind of odd that they’d start a feud on something as unmemorable as hearsay from the unstable monster that is Kane.

Predictions: You may have noticed my WCW reverence earlier, but honestly, I think the WWE’s smarter than that, and that’s why Rey losing his mask didn’t land in my “balk’ category, because it’s not going to happen. I’ll admit, this is an ingenious ploy to get buy rates (from ten year old who’ve never seen WCW). Rey will come out on top…but here is a prediction that some may question. Rey will unmask himself in respect to the fans. To those not familiar with lucha, it’s a rarely practiced custom for a luchador to unmask himself to the audience as a sign of respect after a hard fought battle. While I do believe this could be viewed as a major mistake on WWE’s part, it doesn’t kill their Rey merchandise, because after a luchador does this, they’re allowed to put their mask back on, and that’s the only reason I can see this happening. WWE doesn’t want to lose the Rey mask profit margin, and they don’t want to entirely disappoint their fan base, so Rey will keep the mask, but he will show his face.

Beth Phoenix © vs. Candice Michelle
Thoughts: I have few good thoughts on this match. I will admit that it makes sense, considering Beth put Michelle on the shelf, but…
Balks: They haven’t played up the fact that Michelle is really out for revenge. This potential storyline has kind of floundered, and, to be honest, before last night I wasn’t even aware that Candice was booked against Beth in this match.

One step forward, two steps back. This is the WWE Woman’s Division.

Look, I’m not saying that strides haven’t been made, I’m just saying that strides haven’t been made lately. It’s true, Glamarella is the hottest thing on Raw right now, and one of the biggest reasons to watch, but that’s mostly because of Santino, and even though Beth shares his spotlight, one could easily forget what that title on her shoulder means. If you’re going to book two woman’s divisions, at least book one right. I’m aware that this isn’t TNA (no “Crossing The Line” here folks. The line stops and starts here) but would it kill to add something more to this quote/unquote “feud” other than a few surprised expressions from Beth, and a glare in each other’s direction?

Oh, and the match is going to blow wrestling wise. Not even the Glamazon can save us from the train wreck that is Candice Michelle…she can’t even save Candice. Here’s looking forward to 6 more months of Michelle free TV. Mind the collarbone, Candice.
(Okay, a tad harsh, I know, but you’re smiling Admit it)

Predictions: Candice wins after a terrible, TERRIBLE bout that will foreshadow terrible PPV bouts to come. I don’t know why the WWE pushes this woman. Maybe Vince is a fan of her other line of work.(Hey, he did give us the Snitsky gimmick.)

Big Show vs. The Undertaker
Thoughts: It’s a nice month long mini feud. It’s nice to see Show doing something, and getting over while doing it. Face the facts, Taker doesn’t sell a right hook like that for just anybody. This feud has done loads for Show’s credibility, and even if he loses at the Pay-Per-View, he’ll still come out of this looking like a million bucks. As for Taker, well, can you really hurt his credibility?

Balks: The answer is, you can’t, which is why I’m semi-peeved with the fact that Show isn’t going over in this bout. They’ve spent all month building up Show only to feed him to the Dead Man, and while I maintain that Show will still rank higher as a contender than he did prior to this feud, he’d have a lot more wind in his sails if he went over Taker in this bout. It’s a minor peeve, one I can live with.

Predictions: This match is going to be a sleeper. I think people underestimate how good both of these men can be. Show’s been moving better and faster than he has in years since coming back before Wrestlemania, and let’s hope that he maintains that “Slim Show” intensity Taker has been nothing but gold in the ring against lesser guys (*cough*Batista!*cough*) and I think if given the time, this match could be great. And yes, I do think both men have the stamina to pull off an epic battle. Taker wins via Chokeslam.

#1 Contender’s Bout: Batista vs. JBL
Thoughts: Eh, the build’s been solid enough, and it’s passable enough to have this match simply for contention without any major back story or twisted angles muddling it up.

Balks: Nobody is going to buy this PPV simply to see this match. It’s a case of been there, done that. Neither man is a strong worker. Batista can be when in the ring with a big name that motivates him, but Jaybe (that’s what I call JBL, Jaybe. He pays me in Mamajuana to do so) has been rusty in the ring since leaving commentary. I know a back injury is a serious ailment, but if it’s going to hinder an already bland athlete, why put him back in the ring? I mean, not to compare the two, but Shawn Michaels has a frackin’ pole in his back, and he delivers better than most of the young guys on the roster. I’m not going to judge the RASSLIN’ GAWD! too harshly, because he was never an athlete of Michaels caliber, but I just don’t see why he’d put himself back into a situation where people legitimately hate him (not good heel heat, bad wrestling heat) and lose all respect they ever had for him. Go back to commentary, Jaybe. You’re not selling tickets, you’re not doing anyone favors by putting them over, and you’re not fit to wrestle.

Predictions: This is going to be the stinker of the night. It’ll be slow, meticulous, drab, and full of no-sells, but somehow Batista will win with a spine buster. Considering Jaybe’s ego, the Animal might have to go into business for himself to keep the RASSLIN’ GAWD! down.

ECW Championship: Matt Hardy © vs. Mark Henry
Thoughts: Another match that could’ve used a bit of build, but Henry is the former champion, so I suppose it makes sense that he gets an obligatory rematch.

Balks: Oh boy, get settled in for this one folks. Matt just jobbed to Triple H in a match that made young Matthew look very weak. Now I get that ECW is the “inferior brand” but it doesn’t mean Matt should only get offense in a match against the other champions during commercial break. Matt’s coming into this looking a little weak, and he’s going up against the World’s Strongest Man, a man who shouldn’t have lost the title too soon in my honest opinion. I know I’ll get brow beaten to death by the anti-Silverback lot for putting Henry over Hardy as a champion, but you can’t deny that ECW was on the verge of making Mark a star. One could argue that they designed that belt specifically for Mark. Let’s be honest kids, wrestling hasn’t been about wrestling in a long time, and what Henry does in the ring is passable considering his size and bulk. Mark Henry is a charismatic man with the look of a credible champion. Don’t get me wrong, I love that bowlegged son of a buck Matt Hardy, but he doesn’t look, sound, or carry himself like a champion. He carries himself like a midcard face. Henry should win the title back, but he wont. Not at No Mercy, not this year anyway, and after Hardy took one for the team in the Smackdown! main event, in my eyes, he’s going into this bout looking weak, and he’s going to drag Henry down to his level by beating him.

Predictions: Hardy wins via out of nowhere Twist of Fate.

WWE Title Bout: Triple H © vs. Jeff Hardy
Thoughts: This should be a good match. For weeks you’ve been spotting them keeping an eye on one another, looking over their shoulders for any sign of the other turning. Jeff finally broke this tense atmosphere with an explosive Twist of Fate heard ‘round the world. The bond has been broken. Spin the wheel raggedy man! (Did I just quote a menopausal cartoon housewife?)

Balks: I have little to complain about going into this. My only complaint is the foreshadowing Twist of Fate. They could have kept us guessing about what was going to happen if it weren’t for that meddling kid (and the drug dog trailing behind him. Rooby roo!) but they opted to go the traditional approach of knocking down the champ a peg before he retains his title, just to make the opposition look a bit more credible. They could’ve settled for a tense stare down (one of those epic ones you always see in the montage videos between the Rock and *insert superstar here*) but they had to open the cliché’d flood gates. In a way, I suppose they had to, just to remind people that Jeff Hardy is looking out for number one, and knows Triple H is the cerebral assassin, and that all friendship and camaraderie will be cast aside when it comes to the WWE title.

Prediction: Hmmm, let’s see. Jeff just got kicked off of an airplane for disorderly conduct…he hit the Twist of Fate on the reigning champion…I deduce that the Game comes out with a clean, but hard fought victory.

World Heavyweight Championship Ladder Match: T.A.F.K.A. Y2J © vs. HBK
Thoughts: What an epic and long feud this has been. We don’t get feuds like these anymore, folks, so soak it up while you can. I say TAFKA Y2J because I think Y2J was a crowd pleaser, and I really haven’t heard him refer to himself as Y2J in awhile, or at least not that I can recall. I love what Jericho’s turning into. The attire, the attitude, the Save_Me entrance video, it all means something. He’s not out to be a crowd pleaser. He’s not going to wear flashy and performance inhibiting ring gear just to get you Jerichoholics off, nay!, he’s going to wear trunks that make him more mobile, to hell with what you think of his Canadian physique! He’s not going to pander to you with flamboyance and catchy sing along sessions, no, he’s going to be monotone and serious, and if you don’t like it, who gives a care! He’s not out to save you anymore, he’s out to look after number one, and he’ll never…e-e-e-ever serve as your baby face martyr agayne! I just buy into this character so much, and I hope that all these nuances I’m pointing out aren’t coincidental at all, and considering the genius of the man who brought us Money in the Bank, Gillberg, and Ralphus, I doubt these minor details can be chocked up to coincidence. HBK and Mrs. Heart Break Kid have served well in their roles as well. Way to take one on the chin, Ms. Hickenbottom. I honestly don’t know if she was selling that or not, and if she was, she’s frackin’ gold in my book. If she isn’t, she’s still 14 Karat as far as I’m concerned. What ring wife would do that for her man? Such self-sacrifice from a female non-wrestler hasn’t been seen since Gorgeous George’s wife put her hair on the line for hair vs. hair match, a match that her husband lost. The drama has been heart wrenching, the promos have been immaculate, and the angles have become so convincing and close to the truth that I’m beginning to hate Chris Jericho. Kudos to both men, and that one woman, for building up the feud of the past ten years.

Balks: With that being said, I hope that this is the end of it. I hate to be one of “those” fans, but I really don’t want to see this stupendous feud of epic proportions run it’s course and keep going, and it’s drawing nigh to that hour (I thought sounding dramatic and Shakespearean after that long diatribe praising this feud was fitting. I know, I’m a pretentious little blogger. I’ve come to accept this.)

Michaels needs to ride off into that sunset. It would be nice to see a “High Noon” type ending, with Michaels procuring the title, looking down from the heavens at the fallen and humbled Chris Jericho, looking down at the title, looking down at his wife in the front row, and then dropping the gold and walking away. He could have his little speech at the following Raw about how wrestling has become his life, and that he doesn’t want to put a profession before his family, and he realizes that he’s done that, and that he’s sacrificed things that weren’t his to sacrifice to get where he is today. He’s repented, and asked forgiveness for his sins, but he’s found that some sins take a lot of elbow grease to wash away. He’d congratulate Chris for being the better wrestler, the more opportunistic and predatory competitor, but he chooses to walk away the better man. Then he’d exit up the stage, where his wife would meet him with open arms, and they’d leave the sport forever…I know, I’m a detail ho, but in my imagined little perfect world, that’s what would happen. Maybe Shawn would be met with a chorus of boos, maybe there wouldn’t be a dry eye in the house, but either way, that’s how I’d love to see this end…or something like that.
Predictions: Michaels has to get the payoff win, but Jericho needs that strap more than he does. I’ll admit, this feud has done wonders for TAFKA Y2J, but I don’t know if a short title reign would solidify him as a big main event star. It sure as hell didn’t do much for the tag team specialist CM Punk.

Welp, those are my predictions. Hopefully they make it up before the Pay-Per-View airs. Take them or leave them. Hopefully you’ll all return when I…return…(frick!) with another edition of Candle’s Kayfabe Corner here on the You-Neverse blog page. Next time I’ll be covering Bound for Glory with my thoughts, balks and predictions, and possibly covering some wrestling news and my thoughts on it, that is, if news happens.

Until then, I’m out like a Candle.