Candle's Kayfabe Critique: CCW, The Rundown

Hello, Pro Wrestling And You blog-o-sphere, and welcome back to another one of my (hopefully) thought provoking blogs that helps put the “smart” in smart mark. As always, Candle here to run down the world of wrestling, but this week (well, the second time this week. I’m as surprised as you!) I’m going to tackle one of the biggest faux pas in smart markdom history since WSX, and talk about the widely shunned, and often re-run Country Music Television original series…that’s right, Candle’s putting his credibility on the table and taking a stab at CCW: Celebrity Championship Wrestling.

I guess I can initially understand why wrestling fans are so quick to dismiss this reality television show. You have the same Celebreality C-List rejects from VH1 taking on the sport(s entertainment) of professional wrestling. Their teachers? Heading the pack with name value to spare, the immortal Hulk Hogan. Heading up both teams as captains, the biggest gimmick failure that only maintained any steam en lou of the massive shadow cast by bigger flat gimmicks, like the Black Scorpion or the Shock Master, Brutus the Barber Beef Cake, and none other than the original sloppy brawler that looks so terrible in the ring, they had to call him Nasty, Brian Knobbs. Alongside with the Hulkster, a judging panel consisting of (what I consider to be) the worst manager to ever make a name for himself in the business, Jimmy Hart, and the cutthroat slave driver at the helm of the sinking Amistad that was WCW, Eric Bischoff. So, essentially, we have a training staff of c-list no-talent wrestlers, and a judging staff consisting of Hulk Hogan, a man who doesn’t know the difference between a wrist lock and a wristwatch, Eric Bischoff, whom can run any good idea into the ground, and Jimmy Hart, whose doing what he’s been doing his whole career (in my eyes, anyway) riding the coattails of bigger names. So, what could Hogan and the motley crew of retirees teach these “piqued at 16” megastars?

In one word? Plenty

I’ll be the first to admit, if this show were really about making Screech Powers or Danny Partridge into Dean Malenko, these trainers and judges would be the last people I’d put in charge, but it’s not about that. These wrestlers are teaching basic essentials, like taking a bump, eating and delivering a clothesline, selling to the crowd, and cutting a promo that could keep the audience interested. I know, it sounds like a Hogan match already, but that’s not a bad thing by any means. They’re teaching these celebrities how to tell a story in the ring, and it’s obvious that these sparsely trained D-List Diva’s are picking it all up quick and actually putting on interesting matches. This week in particular consisted of high spots like a middle rope flying clothesline and a hip toss, along with an elbow with theatrics, but they were still able to keep me interested in the match with these basic fundamentals. I’m not saying it was Flair v Steamboat by any means, but these were actually adequate wrestling matches, some of which were better than some of the crap shoot indie shows I’ve seen in my home state of North Carolina.

So with all of this being said, I ask you to at least give this show a chance. If you’re nostalgic for Tough Enough like me you’ll at least find some facet of that novelty in CCW. After watching tonight’s show and seeing what the (admittedly, highly edited and foleyed show [that means sound effects were edited in, for those not in the know]) program had on it’s plate for tonight, I immediately decided to go over each remaining superstar and predict which one would be left at the end of the show to become CCW Champion. At this stage in the show, team Beefcake and team Nasty have ceased to exist, so it’s every man and woman for themselves, so let’s look at the remaining roster one at a time and single out the good attributes each possess, the weaknesses that are holding them back, and the likelihood of them moving on to the next round.

The Remaining:
Danny Bonaduce: a.k.a. “Dangerous” Danny Bonaduce
Profile: Former Partridge turned full-time rage-o-holic shock jock and overall the biggest celebreality psycho since Gary Busey.

Positives: Danny’s skilled in martial arts, which could be a plus if he wanted to pursue further training and independent booking after this show went off the air, which could be a very real possibility considering how seriously he’s taking this CCW project. Danny definitely has the type of physique that appeals to someone like Hogan, Bischoff, and Hart, and loads of enthusiasm that really comes across in the ring perfectly, but sometimes overshoots him on the mic. “Dangerous” Danny definitely has heel appeal to anyone whose followed his life on VH1 over the past three years, and the gimmick kind of allows him to tap into that rambunctious side that comes across so negatively sometimes. Any guy who has the gift of gab good enough to have his own radio show should definitely be able to adapt to being in front of a microphone AND a camera, and hopefully we’ll see Danny hone in on some focus and not let the crowd’s reactions get the best of his excitable nature.

Negatives: Danny’s hotheaded tendencies may end up getting him in trouble. In this week’s episode he nearly bit off Dustin Diamond’s head in promo training with personal attacks, which are apparently a big no-no on Celebrity Championship Wrestling. (I suppose because it’s such an easy target for everyone to go after and fall prey to) His misguided rage and stubbornness translate into masochism in the ring. This week he requested to take a hip toss wrong, just so he could be instructed on how to do one properly. After learning the proper technique, he over jumped his bump and immediately requested to head to the medics, complaining that he heard a pop when he landed. The only thing the medic could reportedly do is send Danny in for X-Rays, but Danny wasn’t ready to leave the show, so he insisted unless there was an x-ray machine in the building, that the medic should just forget about it. This back problem didn’t slow him down in the “main event,” but it may cause him problems in the future if indeed it was something serious. Danny’s devil may care attitude could cost him the CCW Championship.
Seeding/Odds: On a scale of 1 to 10, in measure with everyone else on the show, I’d say Danny’s one of the most advanced wrestlers on the show, and definitely wont be sent packing by the judges, but could very well put himself on the shelf if he continues to shoot off his mouth or go on with unchecked injuries. That lands him an 8 on my scale, and out of the six people remaining, I’d guess he’d end up going home maybe three shows from now due to attitude issues or injury.

Todd Bridges: a.k.a.- Mr. Not-So-Perfect.
Profile: Bridges is probably best (and only) known for his role as Willis in “Diff’rent Strokes” opposite Gary Coleman.

Positives: Todd’s shown a great gift of gab on the microphone so far, and definitely shows signs of wanting to expand his repertoire within the ring to set himself apart. This week the celebrities were told to learn a hip toss and an elbow strike. Bridges took it a step further and worked in a handspring elbow into his tag routine with Bonaduce.

Negatives: This week in particular, Todd didn’t put in much ring work. He led Danny through an opening match promo, but when the bell sounded, Partridge did most of the work. There’s just nothing very impressive about him. His attire seems to be as throwback as humanly possible, and his ring work is very forgettable. I think what he’s mostly lacking is an overall sense for the feel of the crowd. Unlike Danny or Dustin, or even Rodman, Bridges just doesn’t seem to take the time or effort to play to the crowd all that often, and considering that’s one of the biggest tools he has to work with right now, he really needs to zero in on connecting better. He also lacks the physique that guys like Butterbean, Rodman, and Bonaduce bring to the table, and considering that’s not going for him, there really isn’t much standing out in his act to help him get that edge that he desperately needs.

Seeding/Odds: While Bridges is fairly unremarkable, I could definitely see one or two people possibly leaving before him. As I said earlier, out of everyone I’d say his mic work is probably the most refined and clearly delivered, and it has energy as well, but I could see him being demoted to “Jabroni” status within the next two weeks if he doesn’t find something to keep him relevant. Plain and simple, we need something worth talkin’ ‘bout, Willis.

Butterbean: a.k.a. The Mean Bean
Profile: Former boxer with an infamous match ending haymaker. If anything’s more famous than Butterbean’s short match win streaks, it’s his infamous hairless, bulky, red, white, and blue trademark look.

Positives: As I said with Danny, having any sort of fighting background to play off of in the ring, or have back up your legitimacy as a threat in the ring is always good. I’m not comparing the two by any means, but look at what Kurt Angle’s based his whole career around; a pair of gold medals he won over ten years ago. Credibility goes a long way, and the Mean Bean definitely possesses plenty of clout and notoriety as a one punch boxer. Also, surprisingly enough, those blows to the head haven’t affected his promo working abilities. Butterbean’s pretty natural on the stick, and that’s a major plus. Butterbean also has a great look that’s been carried over from his boxing career with his barrel-chested bulky physique and memorable Apollo Creed esc patriotic trunks. The Mean Bean has a lot going for him.

Negatives: I don’t have many to really report. Butterbean has the inclination of falling back on his size as an excuse for not being as expansive within the ring as some of his opponents. This could come back to bite him on the “Butter-butt” though, because if he fails to evolve on some level as the show continues and his rivals progress, he may find himself left stranded on Jabroni Drive with only enough gas to carry him to the Smackdown! Hotel.

Seeding/Odds: In a way, I think the Mean Bean could stay standing for the next few major rounds, and could end up being one of the two remaining CCW contenders as the show comes to a close, but ultimately, he wont win unless he broadens his horizons and incorporates every newly learned move in the weeks to come, whether it be by taking it or delivering it. Considering it looks like they’re going up top next week, I think Butterbean would be privy to learn how to be the best crash pad possible.

Trishelle Cannatella: a.k.a. Red Hot Redneck
Profile: I’m not going to even pretend that I know who this chick is outside of this show. I know she’s done Playboy, and a few other reality shows, but that’s pretty much the extension of my knowledge on whom this girl is. So, moving on.

Positives: Trishelle definitely knows how to play the crowd, and I think that’s her real strong point. She works her gimmick well, and seems fairly comfortable in it. Out of the girls on the show so far, I think she’s whined the least, which may be the biggest reason she’s still around this week. She knows how to sell, she knows how to work a hot tag spot, and she knows the basics pretty well. I’d say she’s a pretty strong contender, and the fact that she’s the only woman left amongst five men proves it. Her sex appeal has brought her a long way, and it’s an edge that nobody else remaining in the competition really has (that is, unless Rodzilla slaps on a dress and goes through his crazy phase again)

Negatives: Nothing really major to harp on, really. She may rely on her salesmanship a little too often, which could leave judges feeling like she’s delivered too much sizzle and not enough steak, but that could be a plus considering her main critics are the biggest hype man in the business and a former company owner who knows a good gimmick when he sees it. My biggest fear is that her gender could hurt her more than it helps. Women are generally looked upon as weaker in society, and in wrestling, it’s pretty much tenfold, especially with old school guys like Hart and Hogan. And do you remember a WCW Woman’s Title Division? Neither does Eric Bischoff, because he never booked talented women. I’d dare say that Trishelle may be more talented than a majority of the former WCW woman’s locker room, and maybe more talented than most of the main event!

Seeding/Odds: She’s really got an uphill battle ahead of her, and I’m not saying it’s right or fair, because in some ways, it’s not if there turns out to be any gender bias, but I think she has a shot at being within the top 4, but I could also see her going home as soon as next week. If I had to put money to mouth, I’d say she’s our next Jabroni. Sorry, sister.

Dustin Diamond: a.k.a.-The Winner
Profile: Dustin Diamond is best known for being the Caucasian geek alternative in Urkle heavy years on the cult hit Save By the Bell. He would later pursue a career in standup, porn, and most degrading of all, a weight loss reality show with the Snapple Lady. In recent years, he’s made a bad name for himself as a fairly big bully on Celebrity Fit Club, nearly prompting a beating from former Marine drill instructor, Harvey.

Positives: It seems as if Dustin’s checked his sue happy bad attitude at the door, and has become very enthusiastic about learning to wrestle under the tutelage of Hulk Hogan. Compared to the rest of the house, aside from maybe Bridges whose shown some great industry smarts by dropping names like Rocky Johnson, Dustin seems to be one of the few real fans of professional wrestling within the show. So far a lot of his negative energy has went into the constructive outlet of comprising a really great heel gimmick. So far his promos have been fairly reminiscent of Andy Kaufman’s old Memphis territory stuff, and Diamond seems to have no trouble with selling to the audience and drawing in their hatred. Like Bonaduce, Dustin has his own established heel heat coming into this stemming from real life. Diamond may be one of the few rounders, if not the only one, within the house capable of selling, delivering, playing the crowd, and working a promo like a true heel wrestler. I’d love to see him take yet another career avenue and pursue a Johnny Fairplay or Mike Mizanin type role within the independents. Diamond definitely has a natural gift.

Negatives: I addressed it earlier, and I’ll address it later on while analyzing another celebreality wrestler, but Diamond really does put you to mind of Andy Kaufman on the mic, and considering Jimmy Hart is on the panel, a man whom was very instrumental with the whole Kaufman angle in Memphis, perhaps standards will rise, and a desire for originality will come into play later on. Dustin also seems very apprehensive about learning new things at first, and seems a tad afraid to interact with the others on occasions, and take control of the match a little bit. I don’t think his build or physique (or lack thereof) hurts his chances. If anything, it helps him a lot considering he’s focusing on one major thing in his gimmick; brain over brawn. Dustin knows his limitations, but sometimes I fear that he might second guess himself as well, and that worries me. That kind of thinking usually leads to an accident.

Seeding/Odds: Diamond’s a perfect ten as far as a total package goes in this competition. A lot of my money is riding on…who else?…The Winner.

Dennis Rodman: a.k.a.- Rodzilla
Profile: Former bad boy basketball player turned tabloid spectacle, Dennis Rodman has probably been the most talked about celebrity of the past fifteen years, both on the court and on the news stands.

Positives: Rodman has a lot going for him; A pre-existing image of being a radical, a former career as a major NBA star, an athletic physique, a very recognizable name, and the inclination of being one of the few celebrities in this show to ever step foot in a wrestling ring prior to coming onto the show. Rodman can play the crowd in the ring, and does fairly well for a big man considering what’s been taught. Rodman’s colorful past of multiple reinventions really left little room for him to even create a gimmick, which is a leg up on the competition.

Negatives: Rodman really seems uncomfortable on the microphone, and showed signs of uncertainty during training for his first promo, going as far as to rip off Hogan‘s infamous “Whatcha Gonna Do?.” When the time came, he delivered, but perhaps the delivery was a bit too fast. I hope Dennis expands his in-ring horizons though, and doesn’t just settle for being another big man with a lariat. Overall, I think the biggest problem with being Rodman in the ring is the same baggage that comes along with being Rodman in real life, and that’s being unsure of who you are, or who or what you really want to be. I also think that Rodman would work much better as a heel character, and the cardboard face persona being presented really hinders what depth he could have as Rodman the Recluse.

Seeding/Odds: I think Rodman could very well be the weakest link on the show right now. Even being adequate is working for Bridges, but being a super face with no personality or character really isn’t doing Dennis any favors. I predict he’ll be the next to go.

So, my final thoughts:
Winner: “The Winner” Dustin Diamond
Next Week’s Loser: Dennis “Rodzilla” Rodman

Well, after this venture, I hope whatever following I have returns to read up on my blog. Also don’t forget to check out the rest of the You-Neverse. I’m not the only blogger here, and I’m sure it doesn’t take much to steer you all towards Bo’Jack, Backstage Pass, WWEKid, and Strata and Co. on their weekly views on all things wrestling.

Anyway, Until Next Time
I’m Out Like A Candle